So, having just scraped enough together to pay the mortgage, I have exactly £2.52 left to last for the next two weeks. Should be fun. It's on days like today that the panic is harder to deflect. It's not just a panic attack, it's blind, terrifying, completely debilitating panic; it's no future, useless, bitter, bag lady panic. It's a dense, black hole opening up directly in front of you with no way to avoid falling it. It's chest tightening, brain emptying and heart stopping panic. On a good day, it last a few minutes. Some days, it's every bad thing which has happened to you; worthless relationships, bad financial decisions, childhood traumas, bad health, wasted opportunities, worthlessness, pain, tears and utter devastation.
You know you have to get up - doing nothing is never an option because there is no-one else to pay the bills, feed the cats, take the ritualistic medication. Not eating is not a option either. For a diabetic, it's suicide.
Get back on the computer, spend time applying for jobs you know you are never going to get, sending out letters and forcing the panic out of your voice when you make those follow-up calls. Following up those b******s who refuse to pay you for the work you did and scrabbling for any remaining scrapes of hope.
Bad day.
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